So I’ve been falling behind on the blogging front again. I attribute it to the national news, the negativity and lack of confidence in my voice even though I have enough I’d like to say.
Gotta post some day, so here goes.
Last Saturday wasn’t particularly eventful… in Maine, I mean. I was invited to a BBQ, but declined because it entailed more sitting around doing nothing. It’s kind of funny because, despite not going, I saw tiki torches— something you’d see at barbecues— anyway, with the news. (Not much was funny about what happened in Virginia.)
Participation or no, I needed to get out of the house. And it goes without saying: most of the opportunities in life are not going to be online.
First stop… and without much choice (because I can’t drive): timely photos of Crescent Beach, and with the better camera. As you can see, the beach was populated. (With people.)
A park ranger at the entryway toll booth asked whether I was native to the state. Maine gets a fair amount of tourism.
I saw a few animals before I even put my feet onto pavement. (As always, click to enlarge a photo. …And sorry for the traces of bird poop on the windows.) Continue reading Summer update→
Half of the season is already over. (In the U.S., anyway.) And I checked, mathematically: the midpoint was August 7… at around 2 in the morning.
The yellowing is more apparent now in the second half.
To update you on things, I’m still having trouble sleeping. But I’ve had good days. Seven hours total this morning.
No squirrels in the ceiling so far, thank god. Maybe they finally “got it” that it’s not worth it. This one—above—barked at me; later, two barked at each other. And, on my daily walk, I hear little chipmunks hiding from me… into the cracks of the side of the house. Continue reading Midsummer vegetation→
Well, it’s one of those weekends. I got up early Saturday, and walked in the morning. My body said, maybe it’s best you go back to sleep. But I didn’t. I offered my support as someone to talk to… on twitter… and then the day went by, and I became the one who needed social engagement. I’m thinking about signing up on Reddit, but can’t think of a new screen name. There really isn’t anything I can do locally.
So. I might as well get into what happened Tuesday.
The day’s notes and events included fallen branches in the driveway… and the Senate’s first day trying to “skinny-repeal” the Affordable Care Act. (I’ll note that the law, what many on the right call “socialism” is the conservative version of legislation that has been taken to the floor for decades to finally pass. The proposed healthcare reforms under Nixon was more “liberal.” But I digress.)
Tuesday was a day scheduled to see the counselor. We went over the report aimed at enabling access to services regarding my disabilities, and the fun paperwork that entails. However, I didn’t tell him how I felt that morning. He knows about my sleeplessness, my isolation, but he doesn’t quite know how I’ve changed.
The day began with a bit of a breakdown. There’s a big difference between “this sucks, I need to do something” (where I tend to fall back into complacency), and… “I am broken.” Crying entered the conversation this week with N., my practitioner friend; she said she cries almost every day, to cleanse the heart and reset the emotional state. I did, briefly. I got only one more hour of sleep before departing.
About half of 3 p.m., my mother pulled into the parking lot for Crescent Beach. Troubles of the day aside, before me was the opportunity to get some summer photos.
I have insomnia. And I can’t blame the squirrels this time.
My sleeping has been pretty deficient this month, but now it’s getting harder to count the hours. Yesterday, it was three (two plus one); this morning, just one. And let me tell you: you can’t really function on one hour of sleep.
Sure, you can get a little buzzed from sleep deprivation, and my memory recall somehow improves in a few areas due to lowered inhibitions. But my eyes look and feel like crap.
I’m still yawning. But I’m not sleeping. Ya get into bed; minutes, hours pass, and you’re still conscious. You could call that rest, but it’s not particularly useful rest. You could be doing something else than just lying in bed. And when you do manage to sleep, there’s a bit of overhead when it comes to REM sleep that a series of short naps don’t cut it.
Sometimes that trick I realized of letting your mind wander into dreamland works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I know there are other tricks. God forbid I need sleeping meds.
This morning, after prepping for bed, signing out, and putting my phone into airplane mode and under my pillow, I closed my eyes. After 45 minutes… yeah, still awake. So I spent a little time “web surfing,” “organizing,” and eventually went outside. (Exercise can help.)
I discovered that some of the leaves outside are already yellowing.
I also found out that, by the ludicrous internal date for the photo, I neglected to set the time zone on the iPhone. Some days ago (these days are kind of a blur now, so I don’t remember the date), the battery mysteriously ran out on the iPhone, after only a few days without charging. (My guess is that an app, such as the sound recorder, was left open.) The world clock on the phone is three minutes behind. Considering the house has no WiFi to update the world clock, I set the clock manually. But I didn’t notice the Beijing time zone. So the dates captioned for photos in blog posts since that date have been 12 hours ahead. Sorry.
My writing quality now is… not quality writing. I’ve been told that quality comes from the inside. And so I need sleeeeep.
Before I go, I will note that yesterday was mildly interesting for a number of reasons. But it’s kind of a post in itself because I took over 50 photos. I’m too tired to put it together now. Hopefully, after publishing this, I can try to get some sleeeeep.
My sleeping has taken a turn for the worse. I’m getting two to four hours more often. And it’s not due to the news. It’s this squirrel in the roof, scratching, damaging the ceiling above my bed… and that’s after the fact that my quality of sleep has been poor with the bed already since 2014. This house, this environment, the isolation, for years, and it gets worse like this. I mean, animals actively keeping you awake in the ongoing process of your home being destroyed. It is such a breaking point, how much I can’t live here.
The difference five months makes. This is the trail that runs next to the house.
Last time on this blog, the area was covered in snow; now, it’s green with vegetation. Or, as one commenter put it: lush. This Monday, I was a bit annoyed with the stagnation in the house— being unable to deal with the squirrel that’s in our roof, for one; I stormed out.
I soon returned to grab the iPhone to take some pictures of the trail for the day.
So I managed to attend Saturday group. It seemed more welcoming this time around, and I responded to questions from across the room, though few. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment to speak up, but it was better than not responding at all, which happened in a past month… probably last year.
God, so much time has passed so fast.
Time becomes a blur when you avoid the difficulties of the day. But I know time isn’t lost; the memories can become compartmentalized, harder to access when less involved or interconnected.
During break, virtually everyone left the room. Some walked outside; I did just that. It was an opportunity to get better, newer photos of the park area. Continue reading Ratfish→
I wish I could say I’ve been busy all week, but I haven’t. It rained, and there were a few thunderstorms. The rodent(s) in the house — particularly squirrels, given how loud and forceful they are — are sometimes eating, scratching away material in the ceiling (and I have footage and some lost sleep to prove it). I wrote a little, but mostly I felt sorry and empty for myself… What’s new? Lol. Continue reading The end… of a rainy work week→
As you all know, life can be tough. No matter what positive spin I put on it—and I am positive—life’s challenges are at best difficult. Yes, they provide the contrast helping me appreciate the good times, but still…
As I reflect on life over the years I’ve gathered tools that help me ease the burdens of life that are within my control. And more are within my control, and yours, than I once thought.
What I call the Four A’s: Accept, Allow, Adapt, and Adopt help make life easier in the areas under my control
Accept: Embracing What Is
Acceptance has been difficult for me. For much of my life, control was a dominant behavior. I controlled my emotions, often appearing aloof, when aloof is far from what I felt. I attempted to control my environment by working hard to make things the way I wanted them, then working even harder…