Ratfish

(Jul 1 4:51 p.m.)

So I managed to attend Saturday group.  It seemed more welcoming this time around, and I responded to questions from across the room, though few.  I know it doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment to speak up, but it was better than not responding at all, which happened in a past month… probably last year.

God, so much time has passed so fast.

(Jul 1 4:51 p.m.)

Time becomes a blur when you avoid the difficulties of the day.  But I know time isn’t lost; the memories can become compartmentalized, harder to access when less involved or interconnected.

(Jul 1 2:42 p.m.)

During break, virtually everyone left the room.  Some walked outside; I did just that.  It was an opportunity to get better, newer photos of the park area. Continue reading Ratfish

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The end… of a rainy work week

(Jun 29 5:33 p.m.)

I wish I could say I’ve been busy all week, but I haven’t.  It rained, and there were a few thunderstorms.  The rodent(s) in the house — particularly squirrels, given how loud and forceful they are — are sometimes eating, scratching away material in the ceiling (and I have footage and some lost sleep to prove it).  I wrote a little, but mostly I felt sorry and empty for myself… What’s new?  Lol. Continue reading The end… of a rainy work week

Four A’s of Easier Life: Accept, Allow, Adapt, and Adopt

80 INSIGHTS

As you all know, life can be tough. No matter what positive spin I put on it—and I am positive—life’s challenges are at best difficult. Yes, they provide the contrast helping me appreciate the good times, but still…

As I reflect on life over the years I’ve gathered tools that help me ease the burdens of life that are within my control. And more are within my control, and yours, than I once thought.

What I call the Four A’s: Accept, Allow, Adapt, and Adopt help make life easier in the areas under my control

Accept: Embracing What Is

Acceptance has been difficult for me. For much of my life, control was a dominant behavior. I controlled my emotions, often appearing aloof, when aloof is far from what I felt. I attempted to control my environment by working hard to make things the way I wanted them, then working even harder…

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Summer zombie

(Jun 21 7:01 p.m.)

Nothing good happens at 2 in the morning… but here I am, a zombie.  My sleep schedule is… not so much a schedule.  But I am getting some sleep.

(Jun 21 7:02 p.m.)

It’s hard to get anything done these days, tired in some way or another.  And then… I have nothing to do.  For days on end.

(Jun 14 5:46 p.m.)

But that’s not true.  There are still things I ought to take care of; I just hate being alone.

Life is tough, but it is never pointless.  It’s going the same direction too far that winds up a dead end.  I’m in need of interaction, and with substance, but I lack substance.  Either everyone’s busy or I seem to mess up the equilibrium of things.

(Jun 21 7:02 p.m.)

Nevertheless, it is officially summer in the U.S.  And a mild summer so far, hitting maybe 84°F in the week, and getting down to the 60s at night. Continue reading Summer zombie

Thirty Years Later

“Will it take 30 years for you to know it is All Right to breathe, to smile, to trust that life is worth it?”

These are the kinds of questions I could ask myself.

A profound and beautifully written post of personal growth by Di.

(Comments here are closed.  Please visit her blog.)

A Holistic Journey

I don’t know why people seek out fortune tellers. Why would you want to know the heartaches that lie ahead, the assurance that life will take your spouse and body and dreams?

He will be with his family tonight, Doctor, when he goes home, the deathless man says. Why should I tell him that tomorrow he is going to die? So that, on his last night with his family, he will mourn himself?…Suddenness. His life, as he is living it – well, and with love, with friends – and then suddenness. Believe me, Doctor, if your life ends in suddenness you will be glad it did, and if it does not you will wish it had.

Not me, I say. I do not do things, as you say, suddenly. I prepare, I think, I explain.
~ The one quotable text from Obreht’s The Tiger’s Wife I can’t recommend

We hope…

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Restlessness… and flowers

Rain on the first Monday of June. (Jun 5 3:03 p.m.)

Summer solstice is less than a week away, and my Friday was filled with rain.  And I don’t mean crying when I say rain, even though I have plenty to cry about.  I upgraded my mobile plan (more for less), and got back into programming, rewriting expansion sound in the console emulator… and my sleeping habits have turned to crap again.  I didn’t quite feel like living yesterday morning.  But enough about that.

(Jun 5 3:04 p.m.)

Thanks to the magic of photography, you can virtually go back in time to when there were blue skies.

(Jun 7 4:12 p.m.)
(Jun 14 5:46 p.m.)

Nothing says summer like your front yard looking like a jungle.  Every year looks like this now. Continue reading Restlessness… and flowers

Unstable air

(June 1 4:03 p.m.)

It was a thick cloudy day, Sunday, with some blues and rain earlier, and it’s looking to be a cloudy Monday… and I’m seeing rain.  The above photo reflects the last mostly-blue day; so, mostly gray since.

There have been a few thunderstorms entering June.  They tend to come when the temperature rises— something about the thermodynamics of it, as warmer air moves faster than cooler air; thunderstorms are after all, produced by unstable air, lift and water vapor.

Fly on a wet leaf. (May 31 12:29 p.m.)

Continue reading Unstable air

Withdrawn

2017 was looking to be the year to start afresh, to be determined to get somewhere in life.  Or have a life.  But I’m less than what I was before.  And it’s more than just my left arm (which is in more pain now); and it’s more than having real-life relationships with people outside of family.

It’s what’s required to make it all work, and I don’t have it.  I’m seeing myself with nothing to my name, and I have nothing going for me.  I have to care for myself, but I’m just too tired.  I’m not connected— not sincerely, and I know, deep down I’m a sad individual.  And the more I pass the time, the worse it gets.  I spit out words, and entertained instead of lived, until all I could do was post photographs.

I’m empty and aching, and I do know why.

I imitate.  Imitation is easier, versus the impossible of creating in a void.  I live in isolation and neglect, where usefulness often fails to connect.

The upside to creating things while borrowing from others, is that I’ve enabled myself, and made progress.  Dreams and experiments, explored and complemented.  But I’m tired.

It’s that dilemma where you need help from others to take the next step, but the connection is never enough, or you’re too much of a drain on the connections you have.  Inadequacy and lack of history (not to mention: filth)… lack of being makes what’s difficult for others impossible for me.  They struggle; I merely exist.

And now I’m once again angered because I have to prepare myself without any help and I just don’t have time.  In fact, I’m going to be late to the Saturday group meeting… if I show up at all, because I don’t have a ride as I’m editing this.

The anger makes me think I’m grieving the loss of my life.  And maybe I’ve already said that before. …I’m not tired of life.  But living with what I have is not living, that’s for sure.

Green light

By the street. (May 28 2:55 p.m.)

It’s a gray Memorial Day, so I’ll let yesterday and sunny days previous speak for the season.  Summer is closing in now.  The green leaves have filled the view of the windows.

(May 19 11:24 a.m.)

And the front yard is filling up. …Over brown leaves that have yet to dissolve.

(May 17 2:13 p.m.)

And to think, this is what these leaves looked like only two weeks ago. Continue reading Green light

Another day at the beach (Part II)

Just a taste of the mile-long arc of the beach, bordering on the Atlantic Ocean. (May 13 1:04 p.m.)

Last Saturday, for sake of mental health, I left the house.  It didn’t matter much where I went.  I landed in Crescent Beach that day, and twice returned.  Each time presented the opportunity to think about where things stand in life… and take newer, better photos.  Long story short, I still have some sand in my shoes.

(May 13 1:37 p.m.)

The conditions of the sky turned the color of the visible sun a little bluish.  It wasn’t cold, but an expression, “cold sun” came to mind. Continue reading Another day at the beach (Part II)