So it’s been a while again since I last posted, and a lot has happened since. It’s almost fall now.
Last time, there was still snow on the bay waters let alone the streets.
…And a Beetle?
That isn’t to say I haven’t tried to write. I wrote a post months ago about learning lessons, but it was a bit much and too incomplete to publish. If anything, I hadn’t learned my lessons, and pissed away too much time on YouTube. Again.
And time goes on. Things change even more, which can make it harder to get back to writing about what’s going on because the list of things to write about pile up.
And then another monkey wrench gets thrown in, so to speak.
In January, I got a couple hairline fractures.
Yeah— a metal stake or something on a sidewalk outside the police station: that’s what I didn’t see and tripped over, from sidewalk and onto pavement, my left hand / arm breaking my fall.
If there’s any lesson there, don’t go walking at night since there may be hidden walking hazards. Even on a sidewalk. And what’s dumb about that episode: I was looking to talk to a department of the police station, about the wallet, and it turns out it was closed at the time. I could’ve saved myself the trouble and injury by googling the records office hours.
But that wasn’t the worst thing to happen.
Dental and cardiovascular issues have progressed despite managing to get a root canal and crown, and lab tests. I don’t enjoy going to the ER, but even Friday this week I went over an high heart rate just waking up, for them to find “nothing wrong” by the time I got there. Just as the dentist can’t “see” anything wrong when the bite got bad within months, and practically overnight the foundation for my top-right teeth became so sensitive there’s pain after brushing or speaking.
No, the lost wallet wasn’t the worst thing to happen. 2022 is testing my bones. Even my leukocyte count is slightly below normal, which is related to bone marrow.
On a lighter note, accidentally walking into this wire loop was funny. Back around the beginning of spring, I was looking too much at the ground to avoid tripping (because I tripped in the middle of January), and bang, my forehead, and curse words went flying. Not much of a lesson there, just funny, no injuries. The loop was removed eventually.
Soon, the childish, often angry roommate mentioned in the last post moved out. …And it turns out he was the one who took the wallet, to throw it in a neighbor’s trash can, reportedly.
He left behind that, a tad bit of passive-aggressive anger and bathroom matter found in places he shouldn’t have left. This isn’t to say he was all bad. But there were times he was shitty and pissy. Literally. I have photos I will never post.
So, yeah. The wallet was never recovered. The police investigated my update of theft on the matter, to a degree. But they never called me, and I never went back.
What’s more, I got a letter from a bank I never heard of that someone attempted to open a credit card in my name. I don’t have a credit file, so… a dead end for a credit thief. I wouldn’t have known that the wallet was taken by the roommate if the witness to his confession didn’t overhear about me going to the police station about the bank letter.
My friend from Kentucky calls it karma that the witness knew for a while, and he just lost his wallet.
After the roommate left, the apartment got pretty quiet. Too quiet. The living room TV went with him. I’m not interested in watching TV anymore, but the group home staff do, so they’re often on the lower floor.
I am thankful for the chess set my KY friend gifted me; I put it to use. Unfortunately, it was only a handful of games as the home staff members who played chess with me eventually stopped coming here as some leave the company without notice, but it was nice to set up with them and socialize in teaching them how to play since they hadn’t played before.
Chess really is a decent game to spend time on with others.
Outside the house, restrictions were lifted, and the local library apparently no longer requires an appointment. And the social security office became open to the public again, so no more long phone calls to try to even update info. Wait times sitting in line aren’t great, but I prefer in-person than over the phone.
With the pressing problem of a molar having a hole in the front, the dental crisis and appointment fees pushed me to apply for jobs for the first time to pay out of pocket. I created a bank account with money that my mother gifted me, and got a job.
I’ve been employed since May.
And not to take it for granted; the job I got in particular was thanks in part to the guy on the lower floor of the apartment building I live in— that he worked there, and the employers were looking to fill positions.
Eventually, for the first time, I could afford myself a good meal and organic foods. I learned I wasn’t eating very healthy, so I ate more vegetables, learned to cook burgers, then eggs. Natural sources of zinc, B12, K2… grass-fed but beef is still kind of a grease-fest cooking on a pan.
I cut carbs. I lost belly fat, and perhaps I lost too much weight that the majority of pants in the closet are too big on me now. But, trying to eat healthier… sometimes it’s trial and error, bloating included, having ate too much raw broccoli. But hey, I can and did afford new pants.
And one of the weird things about food? I’ve learned the starchy peels of unripened bananas have some of the stickiest residue on the planet. It takes a while to get it off your hands. The latest green bananas I got are still green after a week… they don’t seem to want time to fly by either.
If there’s anything to know about me: I don’t like how fast time goes, and it’s already September of 2022.
Sometimes things are just out of your control. In August, all of us got temporarily rushed out of the building due to a visit by the exterminator, without warning of the day. Bed bugs, and hopefully they’re gone for good; I don’t want to deal with that leftover toxic spray again. But in visiting another house, I got to hear the skills of an actual drummer in the basement of that place. I bet that’s his guitar on the floor too, pictured above.
There’s been a lot of progress this year. Unfortunately, there’s that progress on the negative side too. I have been waking up feeling kind of sick many days of the month. Covid may have affected me my heart and GI since I caught it in November 2020. Brain fog was a symptom a month or so ago.
Things got considerably worse over the summer. Despite working and paying my way forward on dental, root-canal and permanent crown later, my mouth is worse off than ever. Part of why it got so bad is dentists who lack experience or are just plain oblivious, and part of it is neglect on my part. Only Friday did I realize, on my own, that I was flossing incorrectly and brushing inadequately, besides the lingering thought for some time that I should have asked for another toothbrush from them when the one they gave me got dirty and had to be thrown away, that I went back to the worn “soft” brush I had. (They’re never really soft as advertised.) I bought myself an ultra-soft brush.
At this point, on top of a bad bite I may be in danger of losing bone in my face. I hoped that the teeth would adjust to the new crown. Yeah, false hope kills. The worst BS of all: the doctor doesn’t see that anything is wrong. Am I scared? Am I looking for another dentist? You bet!
But I’m alive. It’s like I’m living in a nightmare now, with humanity trashing the planet, and I have underlying periodontal issues if not disease, if the cardio issue, whatever it is, doesn’t kill me first.
Some days I wish I could turn back time to do things better. Some days I cry. And my dreams keep putting me back in the house I grew up in… a house that no longer exists.
I can be grateful I’m not alone. I have my friend in KY, and my aunt in CO. And my mother who… most often doesn’t return my calls or anyone else’s.
Seriously, don’t take your friends or your mouth for granted. Everything is connected in some way, and neglect will come back to haunt you.
In other news (or maybe related news since I’ve neglected this place): the blog turned ten years old!
Yes, I’m not on WordPress much now. But I’m not gone for good. I may not be a good source of advice with all the mistakes I’ve made… but I ain’t givin’ up yet!
Some days I may feel like giving up as I seem to be alive without purpose and with disease… but I have to push on, right? Right??
Yes. Attitude, kindness and effort still matter. And even the bad stuff have value as examples of what not to do. And one of those things not to do is write past midnight.
Until next time… take care !
5 thoughts on “I’m still alive”
Adam, I enjoy seeing your beautiful pictures and reading your interesting words. I admire your courage and tenacity. Life is really hard sometimes, I know. And life is also amazing and awesome and wonderful, even when it’s hard. I’ve been through a lot of very hard things, I am still going through some hard things, and yet I am so glad to be here on this wild and crazy planet. ((HUG))
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Oh, you have courage.
I’m more…scared into action lol
But yeah, life is really hard sometimes, and we have to be grateful. 🙂
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You survived! I hope the fractures are a thing of the past and the dental’s calmed down. I scrambled to see the best holistic dentist in town; she managed to save me from both the root canal and extraction. Was very stressful. I hope your new year has been looking better.
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It seems stress comes with the territory. It’s good you were able to solve yours holistically. Unfortunately, mine is fractured, and will need to be removed. 2023 needs to be better, for sure! 🙂
I appreciate your honesty, Adam. It is healthy to share from your heart. You have had a rough patch in your life. Hoping things are better in 2023. Days are getting longer. Soon spring will be on its way. I’ve had a lot of dental issues over the years and now missing over half my teeth. That can be very taxing. Great that you are eating and cooking healthier.
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