Tag Archives: tired

Doubts

So I’m having doubts.  There comes a time when you question what you’re doing.

First, for several days the few ideas that’ve come have not materialized, have not hit the page.  I couldn’t write.  Then I tried to write a comment on Free Speech, and that became a piece—so long… and then it just sat.  I get the point of what I’m doing, but I don’t what I’m doing.

So much is corrected so often in the process that my views are altered.  That’s a part of writing, right?  Discovery?  Self-discovery?

Later, I was able to obtain an old game I had completed long, long ago.  Playing it again today brought back memories of the life I had way back.  The game was cruder than I remember, but at least it wasn’t the irreparable mess that’s here.  This blog just doesn’t make sense to me.

It’s been two years of basically trying to fill gaps, and answer questions, and…self-censorship.  You don’t want to know I’m thinking so much of the time.  I try to be nice, and put best interests at heart, and have fun without hurting anyone.

And then, recently, I added an About page I can’t live up to—not without ideas or without imagination, etc.

Come last fall, I changed my voice in admiration of someone that doesn’t exist, and then someone that did.  This year, I wrote poetry to express a bit of admiration for two real people.  In the moment, it’s great.  But I burned out a little more.  It kills you a little if you let it, knowing an opportunity was lost, or never was.

To the older me, this blog is an incredible waste of time.  It happened because I found ‘something I could do.’  I am an incredible fool.

But what about those instances of serendipity, that I kept stumbling on to good things?  Unfortunately, now that all comes into question as well.

In order to bring your dreams to life, you have to be solid.  You have to work hard.

Not much hard work went into this blog.  Research: weak; talent: weak; connections: weak.  And as I said, my voice hasn’t been whole, so it’s incomplete beyond measure.  Trying to be something, but it can’t keep.

I know this all happened.  The physical pains I refuse to talk about make it all clear that this is all real.  And so my failing blog is real…

A year of bad health, and no sign of improvement, I’m tired all the time, trying to catch up now, overnights into 7 a.m.  So besides learning things to advance my perspective on the world, I’m pretty much floating.  Much like my real life situation—no medical intervention, just dying slowly.

The old me can’t believe where I went, and the new me is tired.

…Let’s see if I can write some flash-fiction today.  I don’t particularly want to, but…you can’t move forward, doing nothing, right?  (Haha, I’m doing nothing with my life with all the preoccupation!)

-Adam

Seven Habits of a Highly Mental, Ineffective Blogger

This is in response to: Seven Mental Habits of Highly Effective Bloggers.

Could I do a better job around here?  That’s a tough question to answer, given my horrible living conditions.  No one cares besides being humored then ignored (An Abundance of Katherines reference).

Atomattic encourages discourse, but WordPress is not the place it supposedly is for open discussion.  I try, and many dismiss.  Always some kind of uphill battle…or “fence.”  You try.

Here are seven tips that, so far don’t work well with this blog.

1. Think big.  If I lived the way I’ve come to blog, I’d see some real progress in my life.

I’d also see real progress in my…okay, so here everything continues to measure below standards.

There are small ideas, and there bigger ideas you want to explore (or already want to explore).

However, one of the earliest ideas that came to mind for a post here was how some artists consider the hand the most difficult object to draw/paint.

I’ve had bigger ideas, bigger ambitions, but ambitions plagued with unpayable costs.  (Poor, alone, period.)

2. Stay flexible.  Stay tuned to your hot topics and see what you can do with them. …Black Santa.

I’ve tried.  But besides my interests, rarely does anyone show their own interest with the content.  I’ve even asked questions.  Only when something dies, right?  And I’m not pushing that either.

And race as a topic is a no-go ’cause I wouldn’t know jack about squat.  Spoiler: I’m white.

3. Stay happily discontent.

Answer notifications when you can, but you always have to keep your expectations at bay when blogging.  Technology sucks.

Sometimes I am happy, and sometimes discontent.  Rarely, am I both.

“Don’t pin desperate hopes on anyone.”  What other kind of hope would there be? 😉

4. Don’t play it safe.

Since WP is a place of respect, and one you won’t be suspended the way you could be with FB, you can go all out with what you believe.  But just make sure that what you believe is genuine!

For me, oh, you don’t want me to turn my filter off.  I’ve held back a loooooot of language.  I’m a man of all sorts of wrongs trying to do right!  Apparently.

See: Spare the Junk.

5. Remember how small you are – in blogging and life.

Wow, an explicit reminder of that this time.  Thanks.

“You are not all that.”  Don’t blindly hope for higher stats.

I know of one blog that gets updated only once in a blue moon—three times the Followers than here.  Then again, the infrequency would make subscription easy.

6. Know how big you can be.

Do try for those ‘bigger’ ambitions.  But don’t explode, don’t confuse that with ego.

The 26 Dec 2014 record: 27 Likes.  That’s unbelievable, alright.

Greatness is hard to conceive, let alone achieve, when opportunity so, in general, is as elusive as the bastard mice that keep me awake.

7. Know why you’re here

“… but if you don’t know why you’re here, we don’t either.”

That kind of explains itself.