If there’s ever a time that you find yourself begging, please, someone save me!…
Well, no one can save you, but you. Besides, of course, a life guard, or some other responder in the moment. Even then, it’s up to you to let them do their job, and not make them kick you in the face so you’re not pulling them down.
Only you can save yourself in the long run. Others can can help you on your way, but it’s your journey, not theirs. Even if you found your “soul mate,” if you maintained that they’d always pick up the pieces for you, you’d just end up dragging him/her down with you. Co-dependence is about as beautiful as two stoners sleeping together, followed by one of them choking to death on his/her vomit. (Like in Breaking Bad, Jesse’s girlfriend…).
A firefighter can rescue you from the flames, but not the flames of your own hell, your own personal fights with yourself.
I keep thinking these days, “I’m going to hell.” I’d try real hard to be constructive only to find my “ugliness” overshadow everything I’ve ever done. I would express my selfish, disorganized brand of perfectionism, and…turn my back on myself. Oh, I try to socialize…only to again put all of my eggs into one basket. Hypocrite.
So I found myself wanting to be “saved” this year, turning that big 3-0, where, compared to the lives of others, I was supposed to be well out of college and have worked out a job career. (I have failed so far to do either.)
I thought I knew better, early in life. I knew reverse psychology when I was ten. But…I played video games way more than I ever showed up. And I kept playing games, alone, carrying low expectations as my baggage, until I hadn’t a place to attend. At least I got some skill out of it where I could get paid: programming…but programming for video games. (Ha-ha. “Going to hell, me.”)
In all, it takes cooperation, a lot of listening and your own creativity to pull yourself out of the muck. It had to be told to Johnny Cash, that God won’t do the work for him (according to the documentary Walk the Line, starring Joaquin Phoenix). And I know why that is. (In theory.)
No, I didn’t learn my lessons playing music, or traveling; I didn’t embrace a physical journey with my spiritual journey. No, I embraced God as a concept: creation, in all of its senses—something you can’t experience when you’re alive. (It would literally blow your mind.)
Wanting to be “saved,” or worse, waiting for it, is when you’ve given up on one end because you failed to keep sight of what’s important; somewhere, you’d decided to instead obsess on something probably far smaller than you realize.
Regardless, creation will happen around you. Creation will swallow you up and grow vines around you if you neglect yourself. (Or at least you’ll be covered in pimples and grime.) If you want to be buried, you may just very well be buried. If you set yourself up to live a horrible scenario, then congratulations, it’s your fault.
Isolation occurs when you’ve latched on to something and turned your back on so much you actually need for the long run, thinking it’s fine. (But it’s not.) You don’t even know you’re losing, losing important connections when it occurs, squandering potential, forgetting that things can be so much better than what you expect if you just follow through on what suits you better, even if it’s different or looks entirely the same (at first glance). You have options; chosing “none of the above” is neglect.
There’s no such thing as a bad time or a good time, only comfort and discomfort, and allowing just about anything to rub you the wrong way will get you into another hole.
But even in the worst of places, you will still probably have another chance to get out of the hole. If you haven’t exhausted your spiritual will to live, you can always get out of a hole. You just have to utilize what you do best, cling on to life, and grow from there. You really are the master of your own destiny. It’s cliché but it’s true. I’ve experienced confirmation of it; weird things, sometimes funny, sometimes disturbing, mostly forgettable (so don’t ask, because my memory is horrible), but all true.
Sometimes you don’t get what you want. Or, more accurately, more often you don’t get what you want. But in my understanding of how things work, you’re always given something of what you wanted. Always. Sometimes it takes time, but most of the time you’re given a path to get there, not the immediate result itself. (If you’re challenged to it, you have to put in the work to get there, but it’s there.) (Also, be careful what you wish for, because you could be doing a lot of hard work for a crappy/misunderstood wish.)
Ultimately, you were put here on this earth to utilize your talents and grow… (And take in the fresh air, enjoy some leisure time.)
So create. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Life will still likely suck (if it does already), but things will be better off when you’re better off, honestly doing your thing. You take what you can get…and stop whining.
Discipline is, yes, painful; but it’s training. No pain, no gain. Enduring the pain, you gain control. And without discipline…well, you’re stuck in a hole. And I know it’s harder than it sounds. So when you know the results matter, push through the pain; if anything, lovingly utilize the pain, as I’m telling you the pain is your system telling you something is changing.
And if all else fails, you could, well, do what I did, and (try my damnmest to) become a writer. At least writing is cheaper than therapy or drugs. (Maybe.) (And writing is in itself a form of therapy, and sometimes a drug—“the next installment came out!!!!!! OH OH! OH!!! !!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 !!!”)
Everyone needs their catalyst, their push, their rush, their practice, something they want to get in touch with—not a who but a quality, a skill, a talent. (And also: patience and a day job.) There’s always a way forward from what you already have, even it’s gaining something new. And then it’s shared. And you care about it. And you don’t want to let go of it. (And you might not even see it at first, if you’re looking at it too closely, during a period of volatility.)
Okay, so I’m rambling now… But hopefully you get the message. Claw your way out if you have to. And just remember: results come from hard work, whether it be yours or someone else’s. Be grateful, as the case may be, when it’s not your hard work that got you somewhere, and continue to absorb and thank people for their work in your own journey.
Love, live, and learn, and thanks for enduring my manner of writing.