Tag Archives: blindness

Falling to the darkness

I spend time away;
it breaks me free from the monotony,
but it breaks me, still.
Delayed drops of silence
and warning bells times three,
out of the loop for years, until…

I find myself loopy,
wild beyond reason,
within closed doors,
for each passing season
neglecting the life.
For what, more?

I reached out my hand, sprained.
I gave another welcome, drained.
I failed to make friends and amends,
exhausted myself toward belated ends.
Here, no matter the public,
the contact fades; it always does.

I’m not looking for fame; I want things to work;
yet the old nonsense and noise
overshadow everything; I regret,
holding myself to the flame,
short of entertaining or entering
the eternal furnace…yet.

I long for respite,
should decline become my middle name.
I don’t want to turn back, now, though
too often looking back with shame.
I can and plan hope for the better
years, anew in bad health.

The new world I feel, it feels like it’s falling apart.
The older fool of thirty years
becomes blind in more ways than just one;
ahead of the curve, he was, and still is
in too many ways wrong to count.
It’s so hard to climb in life, and yet so easy to fall.

And so, I bite my tongue, again;
I chew my lip, and take a sip,
and dip;
I shoot from the hip
in my way, slowly
falling to the darkness that resides before me.

blindness

Rain, with the leaks in the bedroom, forces me to sleep in the chair; different positions, for about an hour.  I then occupied the bed for six hours instead of someone who got two.  I’m the one quickly going blind, with that aspect personally attributed to sleep deprivation… and staring at a screen, being only a few meters from the microwave sending-and-receiving smart meter.

The blindness really started at age twenty-one, with only minor effects in my teens — noise on a CRT screen, making out all the two-hundred-fifty-six shades of gray in a gradient during a video editing class.  With my introversion, the V.E. part was easy; the socializing part was the only difficulty in the class, trying to teach another student that…eventually wanted out.

Macular degeneration—I don’t know what it is. I failed to show up for the second round of tests some years ago—the cost benefits weighed, iris dilation, forcing me to wear sunglasses, versus having no life but bad things like this, no point of living. My reaction to theirs: why would the optometrists be pissed? They had less work to do!

I see wavy lines, false lines, little blips that come in, move and go out. And the blind spots that suddenly appear and gradually fade, sometimes in big blots; blue blots, sometimes. And the debris and retinal tearing—the flash you would see when you dart your eyes when your eyes are under pressure. When am I not under pressure, with my anxiety disorder? I hold my eyes like a form of anal retentiveness.

One of the eye doctors, of the ones I bailed on, said that the blips are the sight of blood vessels. I know I’m not in good cardiovascular shape, but all over my vision, especially when I look at bright objects? I can’t look at the sky without this pattern! And now I see it anywhere.

Friday: more reflections, neurotic and fatal

Preamble Thingy
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to comment on other commenters, followers, twitters, likers, linkers, feeders, bookers, Dopplers, etc., but…here goes nothing. Really — it’s nothing.
Too much time today, in my limited access time, was spent in confusion and pause, just trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing or going to do on WordPress.com.
Too much time was also spent vertically expanding the “item 3”/“Out of ideas indefinitely” image into a square. Instead of using the Mac® emulator for the fine graphics software I use, I tried to soften the upper area with the Windows® Paint pencil and line tools…
The site sorts the tag list for a post too.

Highlighted Markers
In a different public access environment, I initially thought of “chronicronic” before settling on “libertarianinmind” for the registered name, as I had prepared text on matters constitutional and democratic: “the powers that be need irresponsible voters.” That prepped text, with four sections, was published on the newer version of my first website. There was no time to change the format…or did I belay the action because I’d used the word “brainwashed”? Politics, or constitutional matters miscast as politics turn many people off, and I ought to leave that for the other site. At least until I get something too good to pass up. Unfortunately, I think I covered too much over there already.

Failure Notice
With libertarian-in-mind in name missing most of what I write about, the first thing I did was attempt to change it. After minutes of name churning in my head I came up with “ChronicFaith,” as my condition is now chronic and I have a gained faith. As 24-hour internet access is out of reach here, I couldn’t tell that the name was already taken, and you can’t change your blog name. I was stuck with a name I now hate, trudging forward like a zombie, posting the “prose” I spent hours on and updating the profile—can’t start over now. (It’s a long list, what I hate. And I hate to remember what I hate… so I can’t remember what I hate and end up not hating. I think. Okay, I used to think, but now some may call me an idiot, including me.)

Reading Material
ChronicFaith is owned by Audrey Brennan, a woman in her fifties with multiple sclerosis. Like the neurotic and/but self-repressed voyeur I am, I read all the posts, later after downloading the whole — she ominously stopped posting after March, 2011 — page of them in the afternoon. There are some similar qualities, me her. She just went the full nine yards, fighting for dear life, despising the thought of wanting help from others, listening to and thanking God. And I have my own physical/neurological disabilities, severely losing eyesight, losing gait and other things that people would experience past middle-age while in my twenties, however, only somewhat fighting and going the… not-so-full two yards, not being able to afford the tests on knowing what the $#%@ is up… not consistently working on anything and therefore not getting paid, living in the type of conditions that’d get normal people to move. Just a few similarities. I hope she’s not dead.

Follower Follower
Surprisingly, someone started following this blog after the first and only actual…post. The follower appears to be an expert on economics, econometrics, research & development and having cash in the signature image; SiteWorthChecker put the blog at $1,818. I think “Dan” overlooked the registered name and didn’t read my ‘about’ page: He doesn’t really believe in money, considers debt “insanity,”…

Well, Anyway, Whatever (W.A.W.)
The end of the day in this journey of “life,” with infected toes that need to be kept dry includes dealing with the consequences of jogging and walking in the rain while wearing ye old sneakers that are split open in the toe area and easily get damp on the inside… It also includes momentarily seeing that Danny Glover movie where Moby Dick is replaced with a literal dragon.

I may continue to write in my decline, to once again probably skimp on news reporting. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m not a reporter. Failing to gain first-hand, worldly experience or remember “brilliant” expressions that pop into my head, I can’t say I’m a writer. Failing to commit early on, I can’t even say I’m an artist. The only thing I can say is that I exist. And that sucks.

Update
Into the morning, I used POV-Ray for a new awesome (and dark) image I developed for the blog post. I took after the Julia-fractal template, merging all of the objects into one, and added a tad of blood color. Okay, maybe it’s too dark and bloody for the “Note Pad” design, but I did this despite the hours it takes for a perfectionist like me to work with text-sourced graphics and the now-substandard machine. I did it despite my toes and the common scheduling conflicts, thinking I’d be able to upload all of this on Saturday. I went to sleep at 5 a.m. and was ditched again! Oh, well. I might as well make the image semi-photographic. Roughness, radiosity and area spotlighting…it took over three hours to render.