Nothing good happens at 2 in the morning… but here I am, a zombie. My sleep schedule is… not so much a schedule. But I am getting some sleep.
It’s hard to get anything done these days, tired in some way or another. And then… I have nothing to do. For days on end.
But that’s not true. There are still things I ought to take care of; I just hate being alone.
Life is tough, but it is never pointless. It’s going the same direction too far that winds up a dead end. I’m in need of interaction, and with substance, but I lack substance. Either everyone’s busy or I seem to mess up the equilibrium of things.
Nevertheless, it is officially summer in the U.S. And a mild summer so far, hitting maybe 84°F in the week, and getting down to the 60s at night. I walked more than I needed to Friday, and became more hostile than I needed to be with the animals that shouldn’t be on the property.
What can I say? When you lose yourself, you lose yourself. My light’s still on, but I’m not being utilized.
You could say I’m lucky for not living in the southwest, where temperatures are hovering around 115°, such that some parts of the nation are seeing double the rates of emergency visits for contact burns — for touching general surfaces like pavement. The same could go for other parts of the world, places where summer comes earlier. But there’s more human life in those parts than here. The grass isn’t greener over there, but at least it isn’t all greens and few people as it is in rural Maine.
There are notable things going on in the world, but I’m disconnected from it. The wheels are turning, and I write a few paragraphs, but I’m out of the loop. My flawed words don’t do justice. I’m a lost soul without much reason to be heard.
Yes, we are all to some degree, alone, and for good reason. Some solitude is a necessity; we need to rest and collect.
But I can’t function with this degree of aloneness. Connecting has always been my biggest hurdle; I am either too far away or I am terrified of being too inadequate to try. Even when I’m not alone with a problem, I am still in a position where I can’t sufficiently engage.
It is no wonder I am still awake. I feel I must accomplish something before I rest. And with the new mobile plan, high on data, I can go on, and on, and on, and do not have to care as much about quality over quantity, the biggest bang for the buck. But my quality of self suffers, still. And so, after failing to write anything topical, I am a zombie, looking, scrolling, not saying much of anything.
Well, this turned into a happy post, lol.
Have a good Saturday, folks. 🙂