In over my head

So it’s now February.  My brain, which won’t stop playing Beatles tunes, has turned to mush.  It’s been a while since I’ve written, despite raising expectations of doing so.  And it’s all because of denial.

That word, denial.  There has never been a time without it in the world.  There are always patches of darkness.  The dark circles under our eyes show how tired we are in this modern age.  The world population continues to grow, raising our need to raise each other.  And the cost of growing too fast is taking its toll.  The U.S. national debt is hovering around a hair below $20 trillion.  (And I didn’t even notice that the debt-to-GDP had surpassed 100% in 2012.)  And after a Presidential administration known for growing bureaucratic red tape, we find ourselves with one that has a habit of growing executive red tape, barring even those with dual citizenship from entering the country.

It’s crazy.  Covering what I have of the good, bad and ugly in the news has driven me crazy one way, and then another.  At some point, with all the minor injuries and resentment, and burnout, I gave up in ways small and big.

I began to care less about the news, and began to open parts of myself.  And then I got what seemed to be a break.  I was gradually granted opportunities to connect with people I may identify with— opportunities to open up, and face my crap once and for all.

After so long, I’ve been willing myself into getting out so I could be somebody… and it is daunting how big the steps are, given how broken I am— lacking in vision, self-love and guidance.

And don’t get me started on relationships.  Part of what’s been motivating me to move forward is falling in love with my faraway friend, not so I could potentially be with her (we both agreed to remain friends), but because I’m so damn helpless; I need to get out of this comfort zone swallowing me into oblivion.

So I’m taking ideas and running with them.  I have begun reading the Motorist Handbook and Study Guide (instead of using it merely as a mouse pad) in the process of learning to drive.  Add taking classes, finding a job… getting my life together still sounds like a pipe dream, but any step towards not being in over my head is a good thing.

Of course, I’m not out of the woods yet.  I have to tackle my underlying issues and correct my sleeping schedule so I’m not running on fumes.  My hours are turning dark again; I have forgotten about the last two social group days on the days they were held.  But try and learn, I must.


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