Out of it

It’s been difficult writing a followup to Getting There because… I’m not getting there.  In fact, on Saturday, I missed an opportunity to attend a group… it would have been easy to attend.  And the sad thing—besides all the other sad things—is I’d already discovered the group in 2014; my therapist had, this year, given me a printout of the same list, only updated…

I have been writing, though… It’s just what I’ve been writing has been more experimental than workable— more writing out than in. …More the attempt at getting somewhere than something organized.  The problem remains: unreal results.  It may be progress, but it’s all very slow going.

And how unreal it can be… It’s one thing to think you’re falling in love with someone, and write about it, it’s another to ‘wistfully’ write about it as a blog post, and… tell the very someone about it.  It can’t be emphasized enough: something written out should never be read by anyone but you or your therapist.  Why?  Because it’s not representative of anyone or anything but itself, and how far it can go—how damaging it could be if viewed non-objectively.

Of course, I would want to have more of a role in life and love, to experience more, and have more fulfilling friendships.  But, trapped as I am, most of what I can experience is in written form… My therapist brought up self-love again.  He continues to see depression in my unwillingness to care for myself.  I can’t quite use the D-word to describe it, but I can’t disagree with him either.  Willful self-care is not the normal, habitual self-care we learn as children.  I have to learn and relearn, and without condition.  Easier said than done.

My life is so low at this point; in order to face things now, I’d have to effectively deal with the latest medical issue, which I can’t get into publicly because of the sensitive nature of it… I’ve kind of been in “crisis mode” for years, and this latest thing that began late fall is yet another ailment that destroys my hope for the future, especially since the doctors don’t see anything wrong(!).  The other issue, which began in 2013, makes it difficult to walk sometimes… may I remind you that I had taken up walking 20 min./day…

Despite all that, my dreams have been more or less normal, and a bit more elaborate, lately… like a movie or miniseries playing in my head.  I can dream of someone else in a relationship… though it reflects what I’ve been watching.  But still, I can dream…

Well, that’s it for this ‘quick’ update that took too long to write.  Man, out.

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6 thoughts on “Out of it

  1. I think the fact that you are still here, writing about your progress in life, speaks volumes. It’s easy to say “hang in there” but far harder to do so. Your openness in your writing is inspiring and I hope that you keep going strong with your journey of learning to self love 🌸 I know it isn’t easy (what ever is ey?) but I know it will be worthwhile.

    Liked by 1 person

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