Writing to no one

At this point I’m kind of devastated.

I couldn’t even face myself failing to fix a post, where I documented what could be described as a manic episode, and one that ventured into the subject of sincerity. (In other words, lower than low; it felt so important, but no.) I’ve had to process things in absence (from social media). I’ve had to discover, from a few articles and blogs, notably Lucky’s and The Happy Sensitive, that I have to get back to myself, in touch with my own feelings, and that one feeling doesn’t negate another; what I actually feel needs to be felt instead of making assumptions and avoiding it, or fantasizing about a better reality. I already have a few narcissistic traits; I can’t let let myself go or else I’ll run the risk of getting worse.

It can be crushing not having available people in your life. Sometimes you just want life to happen so badly that you’ll end up doing a few things you’re not proud of, such as sending drunken text messages to someone who doesn’t love you back. lol  But seriously, there are limitations on what you can do, where, when, and who with.

But I pushed the limits anyway.  It was embarrassing.

I couldn’t stand what I could and couldn’t do. My eyes were open in lack of willpower (which cut into my ability to sleep); this shows that I need to break away or it will kill me.

I failed to rest easy. I let disappointment in myself affect me. I will never be the same.

Just know that any extended silence in response on my part is never in some sort of scheme of “silent treatment” but in only being able to tolerate so much… especially if I have to walk on eggshells to communicate with you; you know who you are. 😒

In the effort to get back to feeling, today, I put on Audioslave— Out Of Exile, the only ’slave album I have.  I don’t know why exactly, but it’s resonating quite a bit, for better or worse, special or spooky. I think I’m understanding the songs better. Or maybe it’s that link between narcissism and addiction. I’m limited by my point of view, of course.  Some of the songs I wasn’t a fan of, and some of the discordant guitar effects, began to make sense, so, upping the star rating. It’s funny that— sometimes the art or people you didn’t like, and didn’t take seriously, are there for a very important reason.

What’s behind the lyrics is not the same as what I’m going through, of course, but… I’m getting better at singing the songs. 😀

Here’s the final track (my first YouTube post, yay). It’s such a great song if you get it… and possibly a bit creepy too.  (Note that this is Hard Rock with a capital R; Chris Cornell really pipes his voice! 😊)

“And if our paths forget to cross.
It doesn’t mean you’re lost…”

…Thanks for enduring my disjointed words if you got this far. May my days have more meaning this year… without burning myself out. I can only hope. Likewise for all of you; I hope your New Year kicked off nicely, and that things improve with your goals.

Take care. 🙂