Doubts

So I’m having doubts.  There comes a time when you question what you’re doing.

First, for several days the few ideas that’ve come have not materialized, have not hit the page.  I couldn’t write.  Then I tried to write a comment on Free Speech, and that became a piece—so long… and then it just sat.  I get the point of what I’m doing, but I don’t what I’m doing.

So much is corrected so often in the process that my views are altered.  That’s a part of writing, right?  Discovery?  Self-discovery?

Later, I was able to obtain an old game I had completed long, long ago.  Playing it again today brought back memories of the life I had way back.  The game was cruder than I remember, but at least it wasn’t the irreparable mess that’s here.  This blog just doesn’t make sense to me.

It’s been two years of basically trying to fill gaps, and answer questions, and…self-censorship.  You don’t want to know I’m thinking so much of the time.  I try to be nice, and put best interests at heart, and have fun without hurting anyone.

And then, recently, I added an About page I can’t live up to—not without ideas or without imagination, etc.

Come last fall, I changed my voice in admiration of someone that doesn’t exist, and then someone that did.  This year, I wrote poetry to express a bit of admiration for two real people.  In the moment, it’s great.  But I burned out a little more.  It kills you a little if you let it, knowing an opportunity was lost, or never was.

To the older me, this blog is an incredible waste of time.  It happened because I found ‘something I could do.’  I am an incredible fool.

But what about those instances of serendipity, that I kept stumbling on to good things?  Unfortunately, now that all comes into question as well.

In order to bring your dreams to life, you have to be solid.  You have to work hard.

Not much hard work went into this blog.  Research: weak; talent: weak; connections: weak.  And as I said, my voice hasn’t been whole, so it’s incomplete beyond measure.  Trying to be something, but it can’t keep.

I know this all happened.  The physical pains I refuse to talk about make it all clear that this is all real.  And so my failing blog is real…

A year of bad health, and no sign of improvement, I’m tired all the time, trying to catch up now, overnights into 7 a.m.  So besides learning things to advance my perspective on the world, I’m pretty much floating.  Much like my real life situation—no medical intervention, just dying slowly.

The old me can’t believe where I went, and the new me is tired.

…Let’s see if I can write some flash-fiction today.  I don’t particularly want to, but…you can’t move forward, doing nothing, right?  (Haha, I’m doing nothing with my life with all the preoccupation!)

-Adam

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Doubts

  1. if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Sometimes change is good, and sometimes it’s scary, and sometimes it isn’t necessary at all. I’ve hit a point where I’m faced with making a choice about something I usually don’t do- give up- and I’m quite literally tearing out my hair over it. Struggle is hard, but being able to vent is helpful…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ur voice looks pretty damn sexy frum my point of view. Research ur passions little by little….on censorship, id say stay away frum mentioning names/ companies. Other than that is wat u wanna put out there

    Like

  3. I think we all have doubts, Adam. And when it comes to writing, that’s part of the territory. I’m here if you need to talk. It could be burn out and if so, a break is ok. In fact, I think it’s more normal than you think.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The single best piece of advice I received when I started down the writing path was a truth I didn’t understand until I began doing it: To be a writer, write. I doesn’t matter if it’s the worst piece of crap in existence, it’s writing. I can tell you for a fact that I’ve written my share of manure, and as you can see from the comments on this blog post there are a lot of people who like reading the very text that you feel is inadequate. 🙂

    Like

Thoughts? Reply:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s