We all have our excuses for getting out of obligations real or implied, and sometimes our excuses are genuine.
One real problem I have: for some reason the Notification sound isn’t playing on my phone. I checked the sound levels, etc., and it should be playing. But it isn’t.
For excuses less-than-genuine, it may be due to those little jitters of paranoia or the fact I haven’t a life and resort to talking to Nobody, that I have a list. You know, in case someone yells at me. Funny thing…I never had to use one, since no one cares. Only one of these is real…ish, and the rest I came up with today because I’m bored. I’m not good at lists, so I’ll just do what I always do in these cases: set it and forget it.
- I had to use the bathroom. For three hours. It must have been that Indian food—something I absolutely never eat.
- I had to visit my sick uncle. Who lives in Alaska. Someone was generous enough to give me tickets both ways. And I’d just learned I have an uncle.
- Sometimes there are so many things on my plate that I have to shut the internet off. And my phone, that I didn’t text you back. And my landline, that I didn’t call you back, even though you managed to ring.
- My boss had me working late. Yeah, right after I got that full-time job. After being unemployed for my entire life. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.
- I’m secretly in love with you, and I can’t bear to respond. It’s too painful. …Y-Yeah, I was talking with someone else at the time. Okay, so we were sexting, but… All right, all right, she’s my wife, but I don’t love her. (Click.) Shit!
- The car broke down, and I was stuck in traffic. Or someone prevented me from pulling out, and I ran out of gas. One of those things. I don’t remember. Go away.
- Sigh. My doctor called to inform me that I have hand cancer. I mean, seriously—cancer of the hand? Who gets that? It must have been all that time handling the phone. Get it? Hand…l-ing the phone? (Click.) Shit!
- I’m Amish. (And it’s none of your gosh-darn business asking me why that is.)
- My water broke. Yeah, I’m actually a woman pretending to be a man. A dudette with a baby. I know, right?
- I’m not actually the person you intend to speak with, but an A.I. created by him. He has since passed on. His last words were: “So this wire goes goes here…and this w—BZZZZz!”