10 Lame Excuses


We all have our excuses for getting out of obligations real or implied, and sometimes our excuses are genuine.

One real problem I have: for some reason the Notification sound isn’t playing on my phone.  I checked the sound levels, etc., and it should be playing.  But it isn’t.

For excuses less-than-genuine, it may be due to those little jitters of paranoia or the fact I haven’t a life and resort to talking to Nobody, that I have a list.  You know, in case someone yells at me.  Funny thing…I never had to use one, since no one cares.  Only one of these is real…ish, and the rest I came up with today because I’m bored.  I’m not good at lists, so I’ll just do what I always do in these cases: set it and forget it.

  1. I had to use the bathroom.  For three hours.  It must have been that Indian food—something I absolutely never eat.
  2. I had to visit my sick uncle.  Who lives in Alaska.  Someone was generous enough to give me tickets both ways.  And I’d just learned I have an uncle.
  3. Sometimes there are so many things on my plate that I have to shut the internet off.  And my phone, that I didn’t text you back.  And my landline, that I didn’t call you back, even though you managed to ring.
  4. My boss had me working late.  Yeah, right after I got that full-time job.  After being unemployed for my entire life.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.
  5. I’m secretly in love with you, and I can’t bear to respond.  It’s too painful. …Y-Yeah, I was talking with someone else at the time.  Okay, so we were sexting, but… All right, all right, she’s my wife, but I don’t love her.  (Click.)  Shit!
  6. The car broke down, and I was stuck in traffic.  Or someone prevented me from pulling out, and I ran out of gas.  One of those things.  I don’t remember.  Go away.
  7. Sigh.  My doctor called to inform me that I have hand cancer.  I mean, seriously—cancer of the hand?  Who gets that?  It must have been all that time handling the phone.  Get it?  Hand…l-ing the phone?  (Click.)  Shit!
  8. I’m Amish.  (And it’s none of your gosh-darn business asking me why that is.)
  9. My water broke.  Yeah, I’m actually a woman pretending to be a man.  A dudette with a baby.  I know, right?
  10. I’m not actually the person you intend to speak with, but an A.I. created by him.  He has since passed on.  His last words were: “So this wire goes goes here…and this w—BZZZZz!

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