Warning: this is not for the faint of heart.
I’m not sleeping. I’m binging. I’ve fallen into another pit, feeling like contemptible shit because I’ve failed on so many levels.
It’s the end of 2014, and I should be making New Years’ resolutions or something. But really, I should be sleeping. I should be trying to reach composure, but I’m breaking down. So much is out of reach, as always, and it’s been a long time coming.
My disease is active.
The way forward from here is like the eye of a needle—that I can’t pass through. Everything is so small and yet so big. I cower, and I crave, and I despair. My hell may no longer be pitch black, but it’s still hell.
My proficiencies cannot be effectively extended in isolation. Therein prompts the age-old existential questions in my despair: Why must everything be so difficult? Why am I such a bad example of a person? Why am I still alive?
I can’t face the rest of my life suffering alone. It’s intolerable going through the unending motions of disease without sharing pain…but here I am.
If only I had friends to help me through these troubles. But I never do. All the love I get is stretched thin. Why? Volatility? Lack of contact?
Getting only what you give can be such a downward spiral.
Blame or not I’m partly responsible for here. But how do I move forward? Part of the hell is that I ask questions that are never answered! It’s horribly ironic that I can say ‘don’t give up’ to everyone else, while it seems like I should. Sometimes, I do think about ending it all.
I want this misery to end. I can only hope in a positive way. Thing is, attitudes and platitudes won’t do a damn thing. But why have my efforts not paid off? Why does the universe act like I am not ready? Should I move, or what? Desperation.
I’ll just leave it with a maxim I’ve learned: Where love applies control is not the answer.
Problem is, all I have to offer in the moment isn’t enough. My will against a wall. However, singing strong true songs has been proven effective at doing something… Strange. I guess I shall sing strong then.